The mommy blog for worried mothers

So Sorry!!!

2009-05-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry but I can't seem to get a hold of a computer these days!!!

My PC is dead and my e-mac is so old that the connexion is not so good and I hate doing online work on it since it so slow! So here I am at work on a computer in a small room reserved for personnal use but I have only 15 minutes to write this and won't be able to write again for a long while since I'll probably wait until I get a new computer!

So sorry to my followers, small group that you are I still have fun complaining and sharing my thoughts on this blog, I be back but I don't know when. Please be patient and you'll be rewarded!

Stress, stress and more stress!

2009-05-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

No really! I'm tired of being stressed out. Stressed out at home, at work. It seems that everything is just more stress for me!

I thought once we had found a house and confirmed our move that I would feel better, but I don't! Don't get me wrong I'm excited about our new house and can't wait to move in, but the move is just more stress. The packing again, 2 moves in less then a year is too much for me and my boy A is feeling the stress too.

Then there is work, I'm not online still but I see the day that I'll have to take calls and I feel sick just thinking about it! The last time I had to take customer calls, was almost 8 years ago and going back to that part of the job is depressing to me!

Then there is the fact that hubby is away for 2 weeks and I can't seem to be able to get a hold on the house work without him there to take care of the kids while I clean or organize the house.

So finally, I am stressed out again!

Promises, promises

2009-04-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

I've promised so many things lately but really I know I can't deliver! Like a great post with photos and stuff, but really! I can't even find the time to do the laundry anymore. It just sits there in a pile next to the machine. On one side the clean on the other the dirty. And that's when there is clean clothes!

I've also found myself promise A that we would go to the park after I got home from work, but I need to make dinner, the lunches, clean if I can and well when all that is said and done it's 9PM and time for bed. I've been selfish and spent more time in front of the TV then doing my chores simply because it's the only way to relax and so at 9PM I watch the shows I've recorded on my PVR and go to bed around 11PM. I know I should try do come here more often and write or spend more time with A and Z but I just don't want to... I'm such a bad mother! No really, I am a bad mother because I can't voice my need of help to my husband and so I'm left to do everything on my own and it's my own fault because men don't read minds like we do! Or at least that is what I'm told when I just can't stand it and scream out HELP!!! CAN'T YOU JUST PICK YOUR DAMN STUFF YOURSELF?!?!?!?!? Because I've just spent the last 2 hours running around for the kids and you and I'm just out of steam and can't do one other thing!

On top of my work, my kids, my husband, we are moving in 2 months and our current house is being viewed for new renters, so it has to be immaculate, which it is never has been since, since... well I'm just not that kind of woman! I don't have the cleanest house on the block and I usually don't care, because I don't invite the block in for inspection. And you know that people that visit houses to either buy or rent are going to open the closets and cupboards and find the mess I've tried to hide, so it has to be really clean.

So I've tried to keep calm while all these stressful things are happening to me and my family, but I'm feeling that I'm fitting a losing battle and sooner or later I'll be on meds again and find that I can't face the world for days at a time. So I go one day at a time and try not to think of the changes coming.

Bought a house!

2009-04-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

We found the house for us and gave an offer that was accepted. We are only wanting for approval and it's ours. We move in at the beginning of July! Which doesn't give me too long to pack and get the current house cleaned for the new tenants!!! Ah! well what can I do? I'll just ask for help from my family.

We spent a weekend at my parents and it was good for the kids to see them, because Z was so happy to see grand-ma that see didn't need me anymore and A played with the dog outside for the entire day. I'll tell you, there is nothing better to get them to bed and sleep all night then a day in the sun!

I'll be back online later this week and I'll try to have a better post.

One more, at home!

2009-04-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not pregnant! It's just one more Saturday that I've spent alone at home with the kids. Hubby is working again and I'm sick too so it's a hard one!

You see when I'm sick I still have to take care of everyone, get diner on the table and clean the house, as to my husband well when he's sick he takes a day off work to stay alone at home and sleep all day, which I can't do because my company is not very comprehensive about sick days and kids! So here I am in front of the computer once again with Z asleep in my arms and so congested that I can't put her down because she won't be able to breath right and will wake up. A is in front of the TV again (I'm such a bad mother) because I just don't have the energy to play with him and he's had it with coloring and artsy stuff. And since it's raining we can't go to the park so he could let out some steam. But he's been a really good boy with helping with Z today, so he's got some corn chips to go with his movie.

As for me, well I'm just dreaming of my bed right now. And to say that Z has finally slept more then 4 hours in a row and two days in a row!!! But mommy is so sleep deprived that the few hours more of sleep weren't enough to put me right, I think I'll need a full 6 months to get back on track in the sleep department.

My hubby is still sick but you know the sick I'm talking about. He has a small cold that makes him cough a little and he has the sniffles. But he won't use a tissue and so he coughs more because of that. And he has the nerve to complain on top of that! On these occasions I have 3 kids, not 2 and you all know what I'm talking about because I'm positive that your men do the same thing when they're sick. The whining, the mopping around, the complaining about the "hurt" and asking for all the meds we can find and more! I don't even take an aspirin for my headaches because I know that I'm beyond help and he asks for something for a simple cold! Men!

So I'm off to get diner ready and see when my dear husband will be home, so I can take a bath and relax a little!

And to say I thought I would get some help!!!

2009-04-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

And to say I thought I would get some help!!! My husband promised that when I was back at work he would start cooking more and picking up stuff, doing some laundry. But all he's really done is get the kids breakfast (since I'm already gone by the time they get up) and get them to daycare. You see he's been sick, you know man sick! So he wasn't happy when I just lost it Sunday and ask that he do the dishes, because I had the kids to clean, the laundry to put away and all the rest that hadn't been done during the week.

But really, he's tried to help. This morning he changed Z's diaper and she pi pied on the bed because he was answering a phone call at the same time and lost track of what he was doing. When men help like that you don't want help! Because, he left the covers on the bed and told me what had happened!

I guess that we all have to much going on right now, the search for a house is harder then we thought it would be. My going back to work is more stressful on the kids then we thought and I have no time for anyone, most of all for me. You see right now I'm writing this with Z asleep on my lap and my husband and A are at the grocery store at 8PM. We just got back from an other visit that wasn't successful. Houses here are over priced and have no backward to speak of. But I still have hope that we will find what we're looking for and most of all what we need has a family of 4.

Lastly, just a small comment on my stress level these days. I've found that I can't go out without my husband. If it's to go to the grocery store or anywhere that is not work or home. I have been breaking out in a rash and it won't go, I've tried all my regular creams and potion but nothing helps. I don't sleep, Z still wakes up 2 to 3 times a night and if she wakes up less then 3 times I wake up because I wonder what's wrong and go check on her! I need to buy a new bra and haven't left the house to shop because I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack! I need to see my doctor about this because it can only get worst if I don't get my stress under control. I'll try to come back soon and write again! I've been trying to get a good recipe together with pictures and all to post soon!

Easter Sunday for me!

2009-04-12T07:16:00.000-07:00

Since I'm leaving and sharing my life with a Muslim and I am catholic we celebrate Easter probably a little differently then most. Like, I remember has a kid at my parent's we would eat ham on Easter Sunday, but I make lamb which I was told is more traditional anyway!

But this year money is tight like everyone and so we're having a regular day. I did buy some chocolate bunnies for the kids and that is it for us! But let just say that it could be worst.

I have joined in Bloggers unite to end world hunger and BlogCatalog and Heifer International. They are partnering to call for the end of world hunger and start of hope on April 29. All they ask is that you join thousands of other bloggers and write a post about world hunger on April 29.

So for this Easter post I think that we all should take a moment in our Easter Sunday brunch or dinner and pray for the end of world hunger and then take the time to do something like write about it in your own blogs or maybe write an e-mail to your friends, because we should never forget that they are millions of people on this planet that are without food and water and that we are very lucky to have been born or come to this part of the world where you always have the chance to find food or the help you need, but the rest of the world don't have the resources we have.

Just take a moment and remember to help!

Wednesday cooking is back!

2009-04-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm at work on my break and I'm at the common computer in the breakroom to write this post!

Here goes!

I think that a fast and really good cake will do!

You need 1 and 1/2 cups of all purpose flour,
1 tea spoon of baking powder,
1/2 tea spoon of salt,
3/4 cups of butter,
1/2 cup sugar,

1/2 cup of milk

1 tea spoon of natural vanilla extract,

1 cup of maple sirop (real maple sirop please)

2 table spoon of butter and 1/3 of flour mix well, then add 1/2 of milk mix well, add an other 1/3 of flour and mix and so on... until you get a smooth batter.

In a sauce pan bring the sirop and butter to a boil.

Butter and flour a 8 inch scare pan, add cake mixture and

Cream the butter and flour the baking dish and add cake mixture and pour sirop slowly on top then place in oven for 40 minutes at 350F.

Ah! Sunday off!

2009-04-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

Just taking a little break from the cleaning and taking care of the kids and husband to write a small something about my return to working outside the home.

Well for the last two weeks I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! I was all ready the first Monday with what would be dinner and the lunches and all the rest that needed to be done had been done. But came Wednesday and I saw that I was in over my head with, lunches, dinner and the keeping the house presentable. And to think that I had my family coming down for my Z's first b-day on that first Saturday!!! What was I thinking?! No but really, don't I have enough on my plate without adding b-day parties? Well, it was good, we all had fun and Z really liked her gifts and having Grand-dad and Grand-mam there, she had not seen them in two months and we could see that she missed them. Not to say that A didn't enjoy having the family there, he was good, a real good big brother. He help Z open her gifts and let her have her time with the toys before taking them and having a go. He even helped me with dinner! I had planned to do a buffet style reception, but I ended up doing my usual couscous, so to be sure that it would be good and I would have enough for everyone and since I do it often I can do it my eye closed! And plus, it's really cheap to do!

That done, you would think that my second week at work would go well and that I would have had everything done. But noooooo! I had not thought of the lunches and dinners for the second week and so I found myself stressing at 2PM what I would do for dinner that night once I got the kids from daycare and if I would have enough leftovers for 3 lunches! (because my daughter is to young to eat the same thing as the other at daycare, so says my daycare worker), I had not done any laundry so my husband found himself without underwear around Wednesday and I without any clean tops or pants, since my clothes consist of mostly at home, not for public viewing type clothes! (oh! I went shopping today and got 4 tops, but couldn't find any bra that fit! that's an other story in it's self thank you!)

So now, the laundry is done and I've cooked dinner for tonight (they're actually waiting on me now to eat it) and there will be enough for tomorrow's lunches and I've planned the next 3 night's dinners, so no stressing for me or at least less stress. I only have left to clean the kids, myself and the dishes, damn dishes!

I'll try once again to write something for this Wednesday's cooking post, but I might not have any pictures again!

WORK still!

2009-04-03T07:32:00.000-07:00

I have not had time for much of anything this week. My kids are so tired and my little Z has an ear infection, so I have not been sleeping and work is taking so much of my time away that I don't seem to be able to do anything anymore!

This is my 15 minutes break at work and here I am writting this post, because at home the kids and the chores come first, so the computer stays off and I try to get to bed at the same time has the kids so I can get some sleep because my allergic reaction (rash) is worst! Even after talking to my doctor about it and taking pills for allergies, it's not getting any better! So, I will have to get to a clinic and see to it because it's now keeping me up at night, so much it's ithching!!!

Got to go, will be back when I can!

At work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-31T07:06:00.000-07:00

So I'm at work and I can't stay long....!

We had a beautiful b-day for Z and she liked her gifts but I'm so tired I could just sleep for 2 days straight!

I'll come back before the end of the week and write a real post and read all of my favorite blogs too, or at least I'll try!

Work and cooking!

2009-03-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry but I have no pictures to go with this cooking Wednesday!

Since I just got home at 8PM I don't have a lot of time to spend on the computer. I'll be quick...

Slow cooker chicken:

1 chicken
2 carrots chopped
1 celery stock chopped
1 onion chopped
2 garlic cloves chopped
spice mix of your choice
lemon juice, olive oil and water

Put everything in slow cooker and cook all day on low setting. Serve with mashed potatoes and vegetable of your choice. The stock that is left is really good to use in a soup, so pass it through a strainer and keep the stock for later.

I'm really sorry that I have nothing more and I will be back later next week to give updates on my first week back at work and my Z's birthday party that I have still to prepare the buffet and clean the house and order the cake, but no stress... no really no stress!!! I'm just losing my mind here and I don't sleep so excuse me while I go and put the kids to bed and go take a bath or quick shower before turning in myself!

So I went back!

2009-03-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

My first day back at work is over and it wasn't so bad!

I came in late because my nice supervisor had forgot to give me the info for the parking and so I parked 10 minutes away and had to walk in a -20C wind to get there! But that's fine since they got my situation and the guy that's giving the training is really cool, so we spent the day talking about ourselves and our kids! And speaking of the kids, it was a long day for them too! Woken up at 6AM (when they get up at around 7AM) and then I left at 7:30AM and my boy A actually cried "don't go to work, mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!", but I left anyway trying not to cry myself.

Then dad got them dressed (I made breakfast, so they ate with me) and left them at daycare at 8AM, I got them at 4:25PM. It was their first full day and it went well. A was so happy to see me and Z just wouldn't let go and cried when I had to put her down to put her coat on. When we got home she just tried to rip my t-shirt off, she was so in need of BF.

I'm so proud of myself!!! I had diner and tomorrows diner and lunches ready by 6PM. I should be doing some laundry but I wanted to check in. Thanks to all of you that stopped by and gave me beautiful words of encouragement. I'll try to come back on Wednesday for at least one meal idea.

OH! yeah one more thing, if you ever get a rash, do try the oatmeal baths, it's wonderful! My skin is healing and the itch is relieved for a little while! So I recommend it to anyone with a really bad case of dry skin.

I'm freaking out here!

2009-03-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

No really! I'm freaking out!!! I have 3 days left with my kids and then it's back to work full time! And my Z is sick, she has a runny nose and a bad couch, you know the one that sounds like an old lady that smokes 3 packs a day!

So today I have kept my darlings at home instead of sending them to daycare! I am trying to enjoy this time with them but it's hard when Z is crying for the most part and A is running around the house looking for what to do next. I've got a load of dishes on the counter waiting to be cleaned and the bathrooms need a good scrub, but instead of doing that while z is taking a nap, I'm at the computer reading e-mails, blogs and still searching for that perfect house! I tell myself "I still have the weekend to do most of the cleaning and hubby will help so why worry?!"

n top of the normal cleaning have left to the last minute, I have to do the preparations for Z's b-day party that will be on the 28, since I've done nothing this week, really nothing! I've cooked the normal meals and cleaned the dishes and vacuumed but I've done nothing for the party! I need to prepare some kind of cake and they'll expect food, so I need to do some of that. Because I don't want to be cooking on Saturday, I've decided that it would be mostly cold food, like salads and stuff. I'll take lots of pictures!

And as for work, well I just don't know! I've met my new supervisor but I didn't get loads out of him, I'm to have a 5 week training before going back on the phones. But I don't know what to expect of the people there and I don't even have a parking space, our offices are in an industrial park and so we can't park in the street and the parking lot is only for the company's trucks so us lowly employees have to find our parking elsewhere. I ask the new supervisor where I could go, but he goes to work by bus... So he had no idea, he didn't even offer to look in to it and maybe ask some of the people that do use a car to come to work where they go and how it cost! So first day I have no f#@$ idea where to put my car, and the bus is not an option for me, I need to pick up the kids from day care and the buses don't come near my home! So I might just leave the car in one of the guest spots and have my supervisor find me a solution!!!

And finally, we visited our first house yesterday and it looked real good. The woman had good taste and the finishes around the house were nice, but and there is a big but... the lot is only 3000' scared so really small and it's not fenced, that would mean that my kids would be running around the neighbors back yard all the time, until we could put up a fence. So for the money she is asking, I think it's a no, but if we don't find anything else and it's still on the market we'll make an offer.

So with all this stress my rash is worst then ever, I'll have to see a doctor about it soon. In the meantime, my mother has suggested I take a warm bath in oatmeal, which I'll do tonight if I get a chance to take a bath!

Will keep you posted on work and house hunting, but my post might be further a part for a while or at least until I get use to the new schedule!

Wednesday cooking!

2009-03-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

So this week again not much money so an other low cost favorite and classic the sherpard's pie!

We all know this classic dish and here in Quebec (french province of Canada) we have a unique way of calling this dish, we call it the "pâté chinois", it would translate in the "Chinese pie". I think it needs a little explaining, well in the beginning of our country we had Chinese immigrants that came and build our railways and they were feed this sherpard's pie and so it became the "pâté chinois".

Here is my version of this classic:

You'll need 1 lb of lean ground beef,
5 to 6 medium potatoes, peeled,
one medium onion, diced,
1/2 cup of mushrooms, sliced,
1/2 cup of milk,
1/4 cup of butter,

Frozen peas or can of corn,
paprika, cumin, salt and pepper

First boil the potatoes,

Then is a pan brown off ground beef, add paprika, cumin, salt and pepper. Remove browned meat from pan and place in a 8" X 8" baking dish. Then sauté the onion and mushrooms. Add that mixture to the meat. When potatoes are tender remove from water and mash. In microwave heat milk and butter together and add to the potato mash, salt and pepper to taste. Finally add on top of meat the peas (or corn) and on top of that the potato mash. Place in a 350F oven for 25 to 30 minutes.

Here's a bonus!!! Today is my 9th anniversary and I made my husband favorite desert so here it is for you to try!

"Crème caramel"

It's the easiest desert you'll ever do, I promise!

You need:
3 eggs,
3 eggs yolks,
2 cups of milk,
3 tbs of sugar,
1 tea spoon of vanilla extract
and 1/4 cup of sugar

So first butter the inside of one large "soufflé" baking dish or of 6 small ones. (if you don't have the dishes, you can use oven safe coffee cups)

Then in a pan add the 1/4 cup of sugar and bring to the boils with about one tbs of water or I like to use orange blossom water, let boil until it turns a lite amber color, remove from heat immediately. Then put a little in each baking dish, to cover the bottom and let cool.

In a large bowl beat the eggs lithely with milk, sugar and vanilla. When the caramel in the baking dish is cooled you can add the egg and milk mixture and place in a "bain Marie", which only means to place in your "soufflé" dish in a other lager baking dish that will also have hot water in it. Place the "bain Marie" in a 350F oven for about 25 minutes or until you see that the middle of your "crème caramel" is no longer liquid. Let cool and then pass a knife along the exterior to release the desert and turn on a plat. Enjoy! You can keep these treats in the refrigerator for one week if they are well covered.

Home hunting!

2009-03-17T08:07:00.001-07:00

Wow! It's overwhelming hunting for a house. It's our first purchase and we have a limited budget but there is a lot of choice! I'm not one that is stopped by the current owner's design choices, like pink carpet in the bedrooms or bright orange walls in the bathroom! (yeah I actually saw that in the same house) And I know that with our budget we will have to sacrifice on either style or location and size and that's fine with me because I love home design and I'm pretty handy with the power tools! My dad was happy to have me help when he was redoing the basement or tending to something in the house and I loved that time spent with him and learning all sorts of stuff.

But! really people when you are about to sell your home, please make sure that the pink and blue flower wallpaper is removed or that the old smelly green shag carpet in the basement is replaced, because that will make me offer you a lot less money for your home! Haven't you seen all the design shows on TV telling you this?

I found 10 home to visit this week and we should be lucky and find "THE ONE" in that bunch. I'm exited at the idea of decorating a new place because since our move to Ottawa I haven't put any effort in this rental, since I knew we were moving in less then a year! But that is so not like me, I need color on the walls and photos and paintings! But I have not even hung the family pictures! Sad, I know!

So wish us luck and I'll keep you posted.

Wonderful weekend!

2009-03-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

It has been a long while since I've had a really good weekend with the kids and the husband! But this weekend was wonderful! It was sunny and not so cold, we could actually go out without the usual winter coat, a little spring coat did it! So I went to the park with the kids, A in his rubber boots and Z in the stroller with a cozy blanket. When we got to the park I was so glad I had put the rubber boots on A because the thing was flooded but A had the most fun in the water up to his ankles and mud to spare!

We also cleaned the house, a little mind you because weekends are for fun with the kids, since we don't see much of each other during the week, work and all. So hubby did the floors and A and I did the laundry! I love kids at this age, they actually want to help! Z did her part... she pick up her toys, well she tried to pick up her toys and put them in the toy bin, but it was A that really did the work.

We cooked our spaghetti sauce for the month and mom (that's me) did the dishes.

Finally, we went to get Z's b-day gifts. A help choose but then when we got home he wanted to play with the toys right a way! I had to explain again that her b-day is only on the 28th and we would open the gifts only when Grand-maman Lyli and Papi would come over. I don't think he gets it still, but he stopped asking once I wrapped everything in the paper and put the gifts away!

So, my week is going to be stuffed. I have to get the house spotless and prepare what I can for z's party, because next week I won't have time since it's my first week back at work! Yes, just one more week at home and then the real stress starts! I've actually broken out in a rash, my neck is covered and so are my arms! I know I have nothing to fear, it will go fine and I'm worrying for nothing again, but that's what I do! WORRY! OK enough of that! I have to do the beds up now!

New finds in the blog world!

2009-03-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

I've signed up to this wonderful site http://www.thesitsgirls.com/ to get to know bloggers and have people come and read mine too! With them I've found the most beautiful blogs and fun people to read! So I thought I should share some with you.

Here is one that is beautiful and also give inspiration http://prayforroy.blogspot.com/ you can help the cause and have a good read!

Here is a women with a good grips on life http://www.lemusingsofmoi.com/ I just love her post from last Sunday on "a divided home is a happy home". So true, our job as caretaker of the little ones is more then a 40 hours a week job, so why shouldn't the house chores be divided?

This blog is just filled with the most beautiful pictures! She has such an eye for beautiful things and take pictures of those things with the such skill! http://tammysprinkle.blogspot.com/

An other total foody: http://stephscafe.blogspot.com

And this is just a very small sample of the quality blogs on SITS, so get yourself there http://www.thesitsgirls.com/ and find new friends!

Wednesday cooking!

2009-03-11T07:13:00.000-07:00

Well I was suppose to cook on every Wednesday and I intend to keep that promise to myself because I love sharing with you my recipes and love for cooking. But unfortunately we are a little short on money this week and my fridge is empty!

So I will give you a cheap recipe that I use when in a bind and have not much to work with! Times are hard for us right now like a lot of you so I think it a good idea to share what we can, don't you?

OK! lets start with the ingredients list: I have ground meat (about 1 lb), some onion and some potatoes, so lets work with that!

You'll need to chop the onion very finely and add that to the ground meat along with some ground cumin, paprika, salt and pepper. (for 1 lb of meat I'd go with a table spoon of each the cumin and paprika) Mix everything well and form small balls, about golf ball size.

Then, peel and cut potatoes in quarts.

In a pressure cooker (or regular pot) add some olive oil and brown off the meat, then add 1 can of tomatoes and the same amount of water. Add the potatoes, salt and pepper and cover. In the pressure cooker it Will take about 30 minutes, in the regular pot I would let simmer until the potatoes are tender. Serve on rice or alone with some crusty bread. You can also use on pasta or couscous.

I use the leftovers for subs, I put the mix in a roll and add sliced cheese and broil a few minutes. A and dad love that!

Pet peeves

2009-03-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Now I have this problem with old people running you down with their cart at the grocery store! I am trying to get two kids in my cart and get out of your way as fast as I can but you could just say "excuse me" instead of bumping your cart in my legs or worst on my 4 year old standing next to me waiting patiently for mommy to pick him up!!!

Also, people that see you with the two kids alone going to return the cart to the "island" in the middle of the parking lot and they're going in and are going to pick up a cart anyway, why don't they just offer to take yours off your hands so you can get to your car faster?! I do that for other even if they don't have kids and their hands full!

Well, that was some of my pet peeves on grocery shopping.

Mad Mondays

2009-03-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

Is just me or come Monday I feel like starting something new or just doing everything that day, like the cleaning, baking or anything! It's like I'm on a high! The kids are back at daycare and I'm energized to start the week on the right foot, but come Wednesday everything goes south! the high is gone and the blues start to set in, probably because I didn't get to do half of what I set out to do on that Monday morning!

Like today, I have the dishes from last night, the laundry, the vacuum (cause the kids ate cookies in the living room again with daddy) and my blog. I started with laundry at 8 AM and I'm still at it! WOW! That's a post on to it's self, really the more the kids grow the more laundry I have to do. I thought with one boy, a husband and a baby girl I wouldn't have that much more laundry, but nooooo! My son has to change at least twice a day (the dirt alone from playing) and then my husband has his work clothes, his at home outfit and going to the store outfit and more plus my daughter has to change shirts once or twice a day because she follows her brother everywhere which means dirt is in her cards too!

But really, I think that Mondays are great when your a stay at home mom with school age kids, because you get to do your stuff alone! But Mondays can be also a day of over thinking and taking on too much, which is what I clearly do. I'd like to be able to do so much more but I refuse to go to bed later then 11PM. So I have to settle for blogging, cleaning a little and cooking good stuff for my family. That's pretty good I would say! Wouldn't you?

So today, I will finish the laundry, make some cookies for the kids, make dinner (I'm not sure what yet) and keep it at that. I'll see tomorrow if I have more time for other stuff.

Bad mother or just tired!?

2009-03-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to ween my Z for over a month now and she won't even touch a bottle or a cup! I've tried every trick in the book has they say but she is the most strong willed child I've ever encountered!!! She just screams until I give up and she doesn't get milk at all. Mealtime is just outrageous, I try to give her some milk (at first it was my pupped milk but now I've tried cow's milk) in a bottle, cup or a glass... I've tried all of the above a week each but she won't take any more then one sip and then it's a screaming match! So then I just feed her her meal and I try again with the milk but I've had no luck. My husband has tried to give her the milk at lunchtime on the weekends but no luck there either! I'm feeling inadequate has a mother since I can't even feed my daughter properly. It is just adding to my bad feel of late.

Let's start from the beginning! My husband was away when I gave birth to Z and he only came back when she was 5 months old, so for those first months I was alone at home with both kids and it was so much easier to breastfeed, no bottles to heat and wash, so I breastfed exclusively for those months. I didn't even tried a bottle then because weaning was so far away and I had had no problems with my son A so I thought it would be the same with Z since she took to breastfeeding so well! But the surprise came when I tried a bottle of breast milk at around 6 months and she didn't take it, she cried so hard that I gave up and gave her the breast. I know I should have kept at it then but I didn't and I am now paying the price because she is 11 months old and I'm back at work in less then a month and she is still not drinking anything at daycare. Oh! she eats well enough, but no liquid of any kind in any type of cup or bottle! So what to do now?

I've been breastfeeding mornings before daycare and right when we come home after her day with the babysitter and before dinner and before bedtime. She wakes up 2 to 3 times a night but I don't give her any milk then because I want her to take some in the day. I really don't know what to do anymore!

I've read any and every blog, website and article I can find on the subject of weaning a one year old breastfed baby that won't take a bottle and they all say to go to the sippy cup but she won't take even that!!! I can't let my beautiful Z not drink all day, can I?

With all the stress I put on myself, I really don't need this too. Oh! before you say well you waited too long before doing this, I tired the bottle at 5 months remember?! and I've been trying everyday since then to have her drink water or milk out of all types of cups, bottles and glasses out there! So I am a failure of a mother because my daughter can't and won't drink like all other kids she only wants to breastfeed for now!

Not my best days

2009-03-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

I was feeling so good at the beginning of the week that I can't for the life of me understand why I'm so sad and feel like crap now!

I woke up this morning with the worst headache and I just felt like I didn't want to get out of bed. I got up at 6AM to get because the kids were up and they are still too young to leave on their own for more then one minute, so I gave them something to eat turn on the TV and laid on the sofa until it was time to get dressed and drop them off at daycare. Thank God for daycare because had I needed to be on "duty" today I think I would have had to call in back up! So after getting the kids dressed I dropped them off at daycare at 9AM and came home to get in bed again and not get out until it was time to get the kids again. Not best day! I just have this weird feeling, like my body is on slow motion and my brain is on pause or something. I also feel full to the brim with crap, not the real thing just everyday crap, you know the stupid things that float around our minds every day! Like what to make for diner, the bills, cleaning, etc. And so I have no place for real thinking or intelligent thoughts, which I seem to have less and less these days. I think that I really need to get out in the world and see and talk to adults even if my husband insist that adults don't have anything more intelligent to say then our kids do!

I've been having some really good days, but it seem that for every good day there is one really bad day, one that I just can't deal with anything and just hide in my bed. When you have my problems it's best to have just so so days because that means you're less likely to have really low days, because the higher you are the lower you fall! But thank goodness I seem to have found some way to deal with the kids without wigging out too much, I just think that they are not the cause of my problems and shouldn't see that mommy is not "normal" and can't play with them. Anyway, playing with A is one way of getting me out of my bad mood because he is so happy that mommy is with him that is happiness rubs off on me.

So to cure your bad days, just take the time to play with your kids and you'll see your mood change faster then if you stay in bed, that's what I see anyway!

Exercice...!

2009-03-04T09:31:00.001-08:00

OK, it's been almost a year since my lovely Z was born and I haven't gone back to my exercise routine! I have lots of excuses: I was too tired, I was alone with the kids for 6 months and then we moved! But it can't wait any longer because I find myself always tired and I can see that I have lost most of my flexibility. It's crazy how it goes so fast!

So today was my first day doing my yoga session! And well I feel great, but I could only do 40 minutes out of the full hour and a half! After the 25 minutes mark I started to feel dizzy so I kept on but had to stop at after 5 minutes of that!

But wow! I can't do most of the poses any more or at least not like I could last year! And my heart rate went through the roof after only 5 minutes of sun salutations. I am really out of shape, I knew I would have some problems after a year of inactivity, but not like this. Well, this is the first step, I intend to start doing weight training with my husband in a few weeks so to loose the extra 30 pounds that I can't seem to loose since the birth of my beautiful Z. So, the combination of yoga and weights should help me get back my girlish figure. And mostly give me the energy I need to follow my kids this summer, because A is learning to ride a bike and I want to show him that mommy can do it too and we have beautiful nature parks here, so since I'll have to pull the cart for Z and A will follow on his bike, I'll need lots of energy.

Oh! I tried gyms long ago, but because I have trouble with public places and new faces it was horrible. I went for a year with a friend and when she quit I just couldn't go on my own, I tried and had a panic attack, I couldn't get out of my car. So I drove home and never went again. Later, my husband tried to bring me with him to his gym in Montreal. I went once with him but since our schedules weren't the same he could go with me at the times I had time so I didn't return to that gym. Hey! gyms are so not a place for me, I see other people watching what I do and I can't stand that, I know that it's hard for most people to follow through on their training but it's just harder for me in a gym.

Now, that we're renting a house we have more space to have the equipment I need to do the exercises, plus yoga doesn't take space at all! This way I can workout without feeling I'm being judged! I know, I know! I'm not facing my fears, but it's also cheaper this way, so I'm also saving us money, which is a good thing.

Anyway, exercise is good and I feel good doing it here at home!

Wednesday cooking!

2009-03-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

So my camera is broken again, so no pictures but follow this recipe and you can send me pictures if you like!

Chicken Tagine "à la Jess" (because I changed a few things from the original recipe)

You'll need:

Skinless chicken pieces (bone-in if you like which I prefer for this, as for quantity I don't know has much as you need for my family it would be 1 breast and 4 thighs)

1 medium thinly sliced onion,

4 potatoes, peeled and cut in large pieces

2/3 cup frozen peas

1 Tbs paprika,

1 tea spoon Turmeric

1 tea spoon saffron

Water to cover or chicken broth

First, place the saffron in warm water or broth. Then, brown meat on all sides in skillet with some olive oil. Then place in a pot with tight fitting lid (you'll cook all this on the stove top), add potatoes, spices and the water with saffron to cover the chicken. Bring to the boil and reduce and let simmer for 20 minutes or until potatoes are tender. Add peas and simmer for an other 10 minutes or until peas are cooked. Serve with warm baguette.

We usually eat this type of meal in a bowl (pasta bowl) and we don't use utensils. We use the bread to pick up the meat and vegetables and sap up the liquid. Most north African eat this way, like Indians also, the bread it the utensil.

Well, let me know how it turns out! And yeah, the quantities are an estimation, because I don't usually use them I just put what I think is enough, you know... I cook like a little of this a lot of that! So I would really like to know if it turns out well for you when you make it, so do come back and post a comment!

Tea time our way

2009-03-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

My husband and I have tea together at least once a week. You know to catch up! It's not the tea time your thinking of, like the English at 4PM you take a cup of tea with some little sandwiches and stuff. No, we have the traditional Moroccan tea time, either in the afternoon while the kids are napping or later in the evening. We like our mint Moroccan tea and I have perfected my recipe by now, it's not like my mother-in-law's but it is inspired by it. I'll give you the recipe and please don't give it away to your friends it's suppose to be my little secret!

First, boil your water!

Then while you're waiting for the water to boil put in a tea pot put:

2 big table spoons of black,

1 tbs of Jasmin tea,

2 to 3 fresh mint "branch" (sorry couldn't think of the right term for this, my French is showing here)

4 tbs of sugar, (Moroccan tea is very sweet so don't skimp on the sugar you can even put more)

And here is my secret, that my mother-in-law does, add 2 cap full of orange blossom water! All that is left is to add the boiling water and let stand for at least 5 minutes before serving in small glasses, yes we drink this tea in glasses and not cups.

Now, we eat dates and nuts or some cake or even just a good piece of bread with honey and olive oil to dip.

We then have a little time to talk and see where we are in our week, it's not the only time we talk but it's the best time we have to really take the time to listen and talk and enjoy each other. Like most couples the problems of the day are resolved before bedtime in the bed, you know most of you must do the same thing. Before closing the light and drifting to sleep we talk about money, kids and all the rest. But tea time is mostly to talk about dreams, plans for us and our kids or to simply play a game of cards.

When the kids are up then we take our tea with them, A takes tea anyway not Z because she's a bit young still but she will take some very soon. I know!!! a 4 year old having tea, well his been having tea since he was 2 and we don't see a problem with that, since in my husband culture they give tea to younger kids then that and I haven't seen a difference in their behavior. So why not? Any way it's a good thing I think to share that part of my husband culture with the kids has they haven't been to Morocco yet and they don't get to see that part of they're family or heritage too often. OK! I'm just stressing again about what people think, that is part of my problem and I'm working on it. So till next time try this recipe and tell me about it!

Computers and kids

2009-03-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

My son A is now 4 and a half and he loves the computer. He has some websites I let him play on that are very good for his age (http://www.treehousetv.com/ and http://www.toupieetbinou.com/ are just an example) but I prefer he play with games I bought for him. But I have an old Emac that I keep just for him since I don't have to worry about him messing it up in any way, but the nice game now need at least 1GHz to run and well and my Emac is just too slow. So the games run but not to my A's liking and he gets frustrated and screams at the computer, like me at mine when I'm trying to do something it just won't do!

I like that A is learning to use the computer but I'm not ready to buy one for him just yet, after all he is only 4 and I don't think he really needs one for now. I sometimes let him use my not so old PC and he just loves it. "It's so much faster mom, why it's not mine?" he says to me. Well it will be when mom has the money to buy a new IMac for herself, hihii! But really, who would spend more then a 1000$ on a computer for a 4 year old?

He is now one the Mac playing a word game and Z is following what he's doing, so that's good, she will learn with him. Now the trick is to find more good preschool games for him that are not to expensive and that will run on this old Mac, because in less then 6 months he has passed all the levels of the 3 games I bought him for his birthday. He is content for now to play them again but that won't last, so I better start looking!

And you guys do your little ones play on the computer and how good are they? I can't say that A is an expert by he is pretty good and getting better every day.

Wednesdays?! Cooking with me

2009-02-25T10:33:00.000-08:00

I was thinking what could I write about because it seems I've been complaining a lot lately and I've been writing about my lack of sleep too much. So maybe I could write about some of my cooking, maybe some of you will appreciate what I can do!

So here goes nothing!

Today I'm making two things, first a veal pot roast and second my spaghetti sauce for the month.

For the "Pot au feu" (or pot roast) I'm using the slow cooker (best thing ever)

You'll need:

Veal (the cheapest cut you can find)
1/2 of a celery root or 2 stocks of celery diced,
2 carrots diced,
1 large Spanish onions diced, (or the kind you like),
1 garlic clove, chopped
1/2 a box of beef stock,
1 can of crushed tomatoes,
Rosemary, salt and pepper,
And frozen green peas.

First, in a skillet brown your meat on all sides with a little olive oil then place in bowl of slow cooker. Then in same skillet saute your vegetables add rosemary and some salt so to help soften then add to slow cooker. Add tomatoes, beef stock, garlic and pepper to the rest of the mixer and cover on high setting of slow cooker for 3 to 4 hours or more if you like, 30 minutes before serving add frozen peas. Serve on rice.

I didn't do my spaghetti sauce recipe because we all have our own and I think that people should find what best works for them in they're spaghetti sauce, so maybe if I have people ask me I'll give up my secret recipe!

But next time I think I'll give you something more exotic, since my husband is Moroccan and I have in the 10 years spent with him become a pretty good Moroccan cook, I have my specialties that I could share with you, let me know what you think!

Good eats to you and your family!

It's been a long weekend and what a long week to come!

2009-02-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

The anxiety level is soon going to be the highest it's been in months! I haven't slept more then 4 hours a night for the past year and of those not 2 in a row! So my patience and nerves are just so short with everyone and my anxiety is starting to be out of control.

Z is back to waking up every 2 hours and I'm the only up with her. Since I'm still breastfeeding and that she is not taking her "dose" during the day at daycare, well lets just say she wants to feed all night! I've been refusing to feed her after midnight and I just put her back to sleep when she wakes up, but she still will wake up every 2 hours. I was thinking that it was to feed but since she does go back to sleep, it's just maybe that she has separation anxiety, you know between 9 and 18 months some kids have trouble being apart from their parents. Or is it simply that she is a teeth coming in?! I don't know! It's like she's my first child and I am a first time mother and don't know what to do! She is going to make me lose my mind!

On top of that, yesterday I went to meet my new boss to see where I would be working, what the offices look like here (since I was working for the same company in a different city before my mat. leave) and how my training would be to help me get back online with our customers, since I am a customer service rep. The guy was nice, the offices are old and really small but that's fine, there is no parking available in the area, so I have to ask the owner of the building next to ours if I can pay for a place in his parking!!! And for me going to a new place and speaking to a stranger is hard enough without all the stress I currently have, thank you! My boss didn't even have the number of the guy for the parking spot, so I'll have to ask around once I'm back at work for good. It's going there that really showed me that even if I'm in a different city it's the same company and they are as disorganized as always! Well, only when it comes to they're employees, for the service and making money, Oh! they got that down!

So today, I'm at home trying to clean the mess up from the weekend, because I don't cleanup on weekends, I'd ratter spend the time with the kids playing in or outside. I do pick up toys and stuff but the laundry and dishes get done on Monday! But because I spent all of Monday morning at work, I could only get the laundry and dishes done yesterday, so now I'm faced with the regular cleaning of the bathrooms and vacuuming... But since I'm so tired from lack of sleep and overly stressed I think that my house is not that dirty and it can wait! Don't you have those days when you say "no" to cleaning and just spend the day in front of the computer or TV?

Just one last thing before I go and sleep a little before going to pick up the kids from daycare. If you have any tricks on how to get my baby Z to take her milk from a bottle (from her babysitter) and sleep through the night I would greatly appreciate the help!

Bathtime will never be the same, will it?!

2009-02-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

I've notice that my time in the bath as increasingly diminish in the pass months. I am one of those people that read a good book in the bath and I like to take my time to chose the right bath product for that night. Will it be oils or bubble bath or salt? Do I lite some candles?

Well, now the question is more do I take a bath or wait until morning to take a shower after I drop off the kids at daycare?! And that is when I find that I have the time to take a bath, when Z is in bed by 10PM, but my window is small she is most likely to wake up if I'm in the bath more then 5 minutes and dad is down stairs watching TV and can't hear her, so I'm the one to get out of the bath and put her back to sleep, while I'm still soaking wet! Well, fine I won't take anymore baths, but showers are so not good for my eczema! So I'm reduced to beg for 10 minutes once a week to take a bath in baking soda so to keep the winter itching to a minimum.

When you think that I've stop reading books because of my lack of time in the bathtub, it's incredible how kids change everything to the way you eat, sleep, and even clean yourself.

Alone at home and what to do?!

2009-02-16T09:59:00.000-08:00

Well it's my second week alone at home and the cleaning (big cleaning) is mostly done, so I'm left with nothing to do but play with myself! No, not what your thinking but play game on the internet. I have a few sites I go to when I'm bored and want to play games that don't need to much thinking, like http://www.pogo.com/home/home.do?pageSection=header_home and http://www.bigfishgames.com/?afcode=afc2e49bab7d&src=bfgppcgoogwsbfg&sem=usgoogwsbfg&kw=bigfish%20games&adid=2990927204

Both sites have those online communities so you can play online or you can also download the games you want to keep.

I just love the simple games like Bejeweled 2 and Zuma. I also like the hidden object games, you know you have a limited time to find odd objects in a scene and when you do you go to the next level and so on.

I thought of trying poker and then I'm not a gambler and I don't feel that I have the skills or money to play online for real.

I'm from that generation of video games players. We had a Nintendo when I was 12 or so and from there we got all the other consoles. Since I've moved out of my parents and my husband is not a video games addict like me I didn't buy any consoles for us, since I would be the only one playing and I'd ratter play with someone then alone. But now that my son is going to be 5 I think we are ready to get a console for him (I did buy the V-tech V-smile for him 2 years ago and he plays on it a few times a week), I decided that we would be a Wii family! The games are mostly for family entertainment and not so old that A couldn't play. Oh! I will be teaching him, not my husband! I just can't wait for his birthday, in 6 months! I might not wait that long and get it for my birthday, hihi!

Anyway, for now I have my blog to keep me busy and the online games, just until I go back to work in a months time.

Growing up!

2009-02-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

Kids say the darnedest things!

You know when kids take a bath and they stay too long and get all shrivelled!? Well A stayed in the bath too long and when I was drying him with the towel he said look mom I'm like and old man (I said that to him once so he would laugh), I'm like pappy (grand-pa) and he started laughing! (So did I and I called my mom to let her know so she'll tell my dad when she has a chance) I had to write this down before I forgot!

My darlings are growing so fast, we all say that and it's simply because it's true. Life is so fast past that we don't have the time to see or watch our kids grow up and enjoy the time we have with them while they love being with us, because some day soon my son won't want to cuddle on the sofa while we watch Ben 10 and he won't want to have "kiss attacks" (that's when I attack him with kisses all over) and so I regret having to go back to work again after this year at home with him and his sister. Soon Z will be walking and talking and I just hope to God that I am there when she takes her first steps because I wouldn't want that moment to be with her babysitter! I worry that Z will be different once I go back to work and that she won't be so attached to me, I know I need her to be more independent and so does she but you know has an over protective mother, I need my kids to need me and want to be close to me. Stupid of me, I know! Our jobs as mothers is to teach them to become independent and strong and to stand on their own because I wouldn't want either of them to be like me and need to have someone there all the time for the little things.

I wonder sometimes if I am strong enough to give to my kids the courage I don't seem to have. I know that my husband can and is giving them that what I can't and that would be the calm presence they need to feel safe. In some way I guess that is his role and that might be the case in most families. The men are after all the strong figure even if we has women are maybe much stronger in the grand scheme of things.

I pray every day that I can take the time to know my kids and that they can see that I am much stronger because of them and that they are healing me. Or maybe they won't see it because they won't have to know that once their mother was sick with these fears and because she had they she made the choice to find the courage to just live for them and not look at the world with fear but with their wonder! And that way they'll just know me as mommy!

The first year birthday party, what to do?!

2009-02-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Are you for the big bash or just an intimate party for the first birthday?

With A, we had a small celebration my husband, A and I. A cute cake (a chocolate mousse porcupine) a single portion for my son and some gifts for him to open. I toke pictures and that was that! It's not what people would expect for first time parents but we didn't have money and we were living in a small apartment so having people over was quite out of the question. My parents gave him a gift when we visited a few days later. My husband's parents are in Morocco so they couldn't give him anything, but they called and spoke to him on the phone so did all of his uncles and aunts. He loved and still loves to talk on the phone.

Now that we are in a house and have a little more money, I was thinking I could have my family over for Z's first b-day. However it's not easy getting them to agree to drive the 2 hours to get here! My dad finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea and that Z should have her birthday at home and not in their home! So they will be driving the 2 hours and they are bringing one of my sisters and maybe just maybe my little brother. I asked that they don't spend more then 20$ for gifts and no big toys, because we have enough and for a one year old it opening the boxes that interesting and not the gift, so clothes all the way!

I intend on doing the cake myself, for Z a single portion cake and I think it will be a ladybug cupcake and for the rest of us a cheesecake. Who doesn't like cheesecake?

So I think I am more of the intimate kind of party for the first year, because we will have so many big kid parties later anyway!

Update on Z's new adventure in daycare

2009-02-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

So it's now her third week at daycare. First week she went for 2 hours every day, second week she stayed for lunch and this week we are trying for a full day.

Monday went great, except she won't take any milk (mine pumped or formula) in bottle or no spill cup. She won't drink at all. Oh! she eats well enough at lunch time and she takes her snacks without any problems but drinking anything out of a bottle or cup is out of the question! I have given her water for a cup at home and she takes only a couple of sips but she has never taken milk, she always cries or just turns away. When she wants milk she comes to me and makes a grab for my shirt, turns to the side and pulls on my bra! So I have no other choice but to give her what she wants and that is breast milk and nothing else and not in a bottle, no it is only directly from the source for my Z!

So the daycare worker is a little worried that she won't be getting all her required milk if she doesn't take the bottle. I've asked around and a nice women has given me the idea to pump and put the milk in Z's food! Like mix it in her cereal and fruit cups and I think it's best idea I've heard yet! If you have anything else, I'm all ears, because I'm very worried that I won't be able to go back to work in the next month if Z is not taking her daily dose of milk in a cup or bottle or some other way!

On all other aspects Z is adapting to daycare very well. It helps that her brother is there with her. He take care of her there and won't let the other kids to near for now, he says she is his baby! But at home it's an other story, he his ruff with her and he has mentioned that he wished she would leave, that he doesn't love her! But I know it's only because I have to spend more time with her for now and that will change when he can actually play games with her.

One thing that Z's daycare adventures has improved for her home life is her sleeping habits at night, she now sleeps a full 4 hours in a row!!! Can you believe that after 10 months, she now sleeps for 4 hours IN A ROW!

Now the only problem left is to find something other then cleaning to do with my time! I'm sure I'll think of something!

Those days!

2009-02-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

You know those days!!!

The days when you wake up and the kids are already screaming for nothing! When you haven't had your coffee yet and one kid is crying and the other is running around the living room at full speed! When you see that you didn't do the dished from the night before, your husband has left his clothes on the living room floor because he got up early to leave for work and "didn't want to wake you or the kids by getting dressed upstairs in your bedroom", but really you were not sleeping at all but just got back to bed after getting up at 4AM with the baby! Well, this is one of those days for me! Most of my days have been like that! I can't seem to get on top of my schedule or my work or my kids.

You see, I'm not very organized or organized at all, never have been and I'm afraid that when I go back to work and have 2 kids to get ready in the morning I will be going crazy in less time then it takes to say the word.

My "routine" consist of getting up at 7AM (when I'm lucky and the kids stay in bed that long) we go down to the kitchen and get coffee going (if my husband hasn't left me any) and start breakfast. I'm a big believer in cereal, I just love the stuff but my son! Well lets just say he's like his father, bread all the way. (that's the Moroccan in him, they eat bread with everything at every meal!)But not any bread, nooo! A has to have baguette or he's not happy and it's not very pretty. So I keep some baguette in pieces in the freezer just for him. I reheat it in the stove while I make a bole of cereal for Z, A sits in front of the TV. I know, bad mother! You let your kid watch TV in the morning, while eating. How could you?! Well, if it will get him to sit long enough to eat, then I will let him watch some TV thank you very much.

Then, we get dressed. I get the clothes for A and dress Z. Once they have their clothes on, I get dressed in 2 seconds, I don't watch what I look like in the mirror, don't have the time to do my hair and makeup. I just brush every one's teeth and we are out the door, after getting both kids in their winter clothes. I've you ever tried getting 2 kids in their winter clothes in less then 30 minutes? I can do it in 10, and I think I'm pretty good!LOL

We are off to the daycare, it's now 9AM. Drop off the kids and get home to clean the mess from breakfast and sit a little alone and relax before attacking the house cleaning. I don't have the biggest house, it's a semi-detached with 4 bedrooms on the upper floor, 1 very small kitchen and living room on the main floor and a basement not even I would play in. Cleaning take about 1 hour.

After that I come to the computer and do a little surfing and writing and it's time to get the kids again! It's now 12:30 PM, so back to daycare and home in less then 30 minutes. They've had lunch but I have to make diner and my husband will be home hopefully around 5:30 PM, so A and I make some crafts something like an hour or so and then it's cooking time and I love cooking when I can take my time, no rushing good things!

So you see being at home is not always sitting in front of the TV doing nothing eating "bonbons" but it's work that has to be appreciated by those how benefit from it, like or husbands and kids! So for Valentin's day why don't you say thank you to that person that is at home and give them a day off, because that's all they really want!

Hobbies

2009-02-06T08:26:00.001-08:00

I have had lots of hobbies in my day but I've kept only a few now that I have children and work. Lately however I haven't had time or the energy to do anything beside the usual house work. While I was cleaning out my room this week I found my cross stitch kit, I had started before Z was born! Her birth announcement! Can you believe I hadn't finished it, well I started it again and will finish it before she is a year old!!!

Here is my best work to date:

This is Z's bedspread, I didn't put it on her bed because it's to precious and well it toke me almost 12 months to finish it! See it closer and understand the work that goes into something of that size.

We have also my mother's work, she gave me this for Z's bedroom:

I was thinking at one time that I could actually do this for a living and sell my work, but each piece takes so much time that the price would be too high for most people and I couldn't sell very much. So maybe later when I'll have more time! Or when I don't have to work outside the home to help with the bills, for now I'll keep doing it for my fun and for my family that love the stuff.

Creative kid!

2009-02-03T13:58:00.000-08:00

I've been to deep this past few posts, I promise that I'm not always so intense.

Now, I'm blessed with the most creative boy other there! He loves to draw, build houses or anything with blocs and love play dough! I know I had a good deal to do with that, because I refuse to buy toys that don't have that creative aspect to them. He does have toy figurines because he can play pretend but that is about it.

As a child I loved to draw and do all sorts of crafts and so I've thought my son that is the best way to have fun and I really think that he loves it too!

For Valentin's we've made cards, simple cause A is not very good with the scissors yet, so I draw a hart on card paper and he cuts it out and then he can glue whatever he wants on it. (We had foam harts, glitter and stickers) And then I outlined some words inside and he colored them in. He is getting really good with the coloring! I wish I my camera was working so I could show you how good he is!

Now for Easter I've decided that we would make flower pots, I'll buy so little plastic pot and we'll add some foam inside so we can stick our pipe cleaner flowers in the foam. My camera should be OK by then and I'll have pictures to show you guys that I'm not just the proud mama but he does actually have talent!

Tomorrow, we're making bread again for the week. A just loves putting his hands in the dough and help me. I usually make 2 kinds, plain baguette and an egg dough for the breakfast needs. Don't be too impressed, I can't do this when I'm at work, I just been doing this while I've been on maternity leave.

Marriage on the rocks

2009-01-29T16:40:00.000-08:00

When you are like me, it makes it a lot of work for the spouse and my husband, I have to say has been pretty good throught out the years, ( 9 years in March) but now it's getting to him and I can't seem to find the energy to hide my "feelings" from him, so our incounters are more and more stressed. He has been having trouble at his new job nothing too serious but still stressing for him and on top of that he has me in an boarder line postportum depression. I mean that I've had some days that it's been all too much for me and I've just pass the "problems" to my husband D. and well that is not fair and I know it.

I'm sure that when we met 10 years ago, he didn't have any idea that I was the way I am. We all hide a little of ourselves when we first start dating but I had something pretty big to hide and I thought I would get better before our relationship went furter. But we like with everithing in my life, wjen I knew he would be the one I went just jumped in and forgot my problems for a while. We met in March of 1999 and March 2000 we got married and it has been the best decision of my life. I can't imagine my life without D and our children. But had he known of my anxiety problems would he have married me? i'm sure that he must sometimes think that it's all too much and he din't sign up for this.

With all this thinking again I'm going too far, because my husband loves me and wouldn't leave on account of an illness or anyother problem, we are in it for the long run and we know that a marriage takes work on both parts. I am working on my anxiety and lack of control in the mood department and he is working on the help around the house problem that he has had for a little while now. We are good for one an other and I think he knows that better then me most of the time because he is the one reminding me why we got married in the first place.

I am one of the lucky few women out there that got the romantic husband and I'm not letting go!

Trust

2009-01-29T16:08:00.000-08:00

When you are a nervous person by nature you don't trust people easily. That said, since I've moved here my anxiety has went up like crazy and so I worry about little things more then usual. But this is more about my children's daycare, it's in a family setting that means that a woman has a daycare in her home and my children go there every day now. My son A is 4 but doesn't really has the verbal capacity to tell me if something is wrong. He can tell me he didn't like what they had for lunch or that he had an argument with one of the other kids but that is about it. My daughter Z is only 10 months old and well she just started there and I'm now thinking more about what this woman is doing with her time with my kids. I'm not saying that she is mistreating them but more that they might not have all her attention while they're there. She more then likely is doing house work and other stuff too.

I'm saying this because, I'm having some trouble with the fact that she asked me to provide her with a play pen for Z, I know that our government asked that any baby younger then 18 months has to have a separate place to take their nap. That said she is suppose to provide this for my daughter, I shouldn't, should I? Well, my play pen is at my mother's and she is a 3 hour drive from my house and frankly I don't feel like driving there to get it and I don't have the money to buy a new one. So what should I do?

This is stupid, because it's keeping me awake at night because I'm already so anxious about leaving my Z at this early age. I KNOW IT'S JUST FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS! And if I were a good mother I would have these thoughts before when A started going there!

OK! I have to stop this over thinking everything! I'll just see if I can't find a used play pen for cheap and let the daycare have it!

Life at home beurk!!!

2009-01-27T17:08:00.000-08:00

I've been a working woman for as long as I've been able to work. I got my first job at 14, I work in a flea market selling goods for a neighbor. Then I graduated to sells person in a clothing store and form there I made my place in the work force.

My first pregnancy leave was good, I was in Montreal and had friends and family to keep me busy. I went to a new mother group every Thursday and I had so many things to do in the city that it wasn't boring.

This time it's an other story. I have 2 to take care of and so I can't go out too much and plus I don't have any money to do stuff like I would want to. So I stay home, which wouldn't be so bad if I had other things to do sometimes, like a mommy group or something. But nothing of the sort, so I am starting to feel eurk!

I'm going back to work in 2 months but I'm not really looking forward to that, cause it's too many "news" for me. New city, new baby, new job with new people... That is a lot to take in for me or any person. So I feel eurk! (overwhelmed by the news in my life but I feel I need to get out too)

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I also don't hate the house work. I like to cook and cleaning is something of a release when I'm mad or angry or just you know..! But being at home right now is just too much and I need to find something that is free to do outside of my home!

And imagine this, I've been trying to write this post for more then 2 days... Since Z has started daycare last Monday (2 hours a day) and that I pick her up at 11AM and also it's the same daycare as my son, so he wants to come home with us, I haven't time to write. Right now, Z is in my arms asleep and I can't put her down because she is congested and is having trouble breathing on her back. I've raised the head of her crib to help out but she sleeps best in my arms. And my son is in front of the TV (I know it's too much) and so I can write a little.

So here it is my rant for the week or day depending on how tomorrow goes!

Fear!

2009-01-22T18:31:00.000-08:00

My boy if now afraid of everything. He won't go to bed anymore, he doesn't want to sleep alone in his room. I don't let him watch anything on TV that might give him nightmares or be scary but still he is afraid. He had Spiderman stickers on his walls and we had to remove them because he said that Spiderman was scaryyyy. He now says that they are monsters in our house and that he won't go play in our playroom in the basement alone, he wants his little sister to go with him, she is 10 months old by the way.

I'm a little afraid that he is picking up this behavior from me. But deep down I know that it is normal at 4 years old to be scared of the monsters under your bed and that you see stuff in the shadows. It is the time that children start making believe, so they start having imaginary friends and play pretend. So fears come from that and nothing else, so for now I will try not to read to much into his fears.

For his imaginary friend, A has more then one, sometimes it's a dog (A says it's black and white and small) it doesn't have a name yet, sometimes it's a dinosaur or Ben 10. It's fun to see when A chooses which friend he will pay with and at what times they come out. I don't talk to his friends or acknowledge them in any way because A has to know that I don't see them because he made them up, that they are from his imagination and the it is only a game. But he has a good time trying to blame them for his mistakes or bad behavior.

A was always the baby that could play on his own but had no problem sharing a toy or playing with someone too, but since our move to this new city he has changed in so many ways. The absence of his father for 6 months, the birth of his sister Z and then the move to this new place has been a lot to take in and has probably contributed to his nervous behavior and fears of being alone. So we will wait it out and see how he deals with it on his own.

Period!!!

2009-01-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

OK! you dads out there that might read my blog, just don't go further and come back an other day because the post is for you women only.

I got my period again after almost a year. I breastfeed and like with my son, I don't get my menstruation for the time I breastfeed, but it came back this week and I'm still breastfeed my daughter Z and I'm not happy about getting them again. I know it's be easier to regulate our birth control, cause I don't take the pile or anything like that, we use the condom but before we only used the calendar method and it works fine for use, I'm usually very regular.

I have been pretty moody lately, more so then usual and the last week was very bad, so that was my first sign. But I never got cramps before now and their really bad so I'll have to talk to my doctor about that. I've been told that for most women their period change after having children. Mine didn't really after my son A, they were just shorter and that was good for me. But now, they are painful and it's been more then 4 days already. I just hope that it will get better next month!

Update on Z

2009-01-21T22:31:00.000-08:00

My A's daycare has a spot for Z but she has to start Monday or I lose it. So I agreed to send her at least a few hours a day for now. But now has started the worrying for me! I keep thinking, she's only 10 months old and she still breastfeed and I've tried before to give her my milk in a bottle and she wouldn't take it. I tried in a cup also and she wouldn't take it, she simply won't take milk any other way then directly from mamma! Oh! she does take water in a cup but that is it! She won't eat if I'm not giving it to her, what will I do?!

Ok! I have to relax, I know that the first few days will be hard. She'll cry, scream and then she'll play with the kids and forget all about mommy and then it'll be hard for me. I'll have all this free time that I've been asking for and won't know what to do with it!

Now really, am I the only mother that can't let go of her kids but complains that she's the only one taking care of them? I don't think so! But I know it's a little crazy and accept that I am a control freak when it comes to my little devils.

So I have to let go and see what will happen on Monday!

No patience!

2009-01-18T13:06:00.000-08:00

When you are a mother sometimes it's hard to find patience for every little thing that happens in a day. Like a kid screaming for nothing, an other crying because he can't find what he wants and the dishes that haven't been made cause your youngest just can't let you turn you back for one second...

Well, imagine that and more! I sometimes have harder of a time coping with everyday life because of my illness but it's harder with kids and I just can't let go and stay in bed all day. Because they all depend on me to have food on the table and entertain them and clean while doing everything else.

I think for every women out there, there have been days you just couldn't get up and face the world, with an anxious problem there are just more days like that. And well as a mother we all know we can't do that, so we get up and do what is expected of us and more! Well, I can say that I have help from my husband, but sometimes it's just not enough. He has a lot going on with work and so he isn't here to take the "slack" as I would need him to do more. It's just that lately it's just harder for me to find the patience to be with my kids, you know, really BE with them.

My nerves are getting the better of me more often then they used to. So, I snap at my kids to much and they just don't understand why mommy is like that. I wish I would just take a step back before answering my son's questions or responding to his crying or should I say whining. That sound just drives me mad and mad is not a good thing for anyone but especially not someone like me, it's just add to my anxiety and then it's just one more step to a full blown panic attack.

If you've had panic attacks you'll understand me when I say, I really don't want to have one in front of my kids! It's just I'm trying so hard not to transfer to them my anxiety and other nervous behavior. I'm trying to find all sorts of ways to calm myself down when I feel the way I currently feel; nervous, sad, anxious, afraid, alone, stressed, etc.

My husband has bought a punching bag and I've been using it to release some of the stress and I should say, it's wonderful and it's quite a workout and my doctor says that people like me need exercise to take the stress out. My doctor has explained to me that my condition is something like this: my mind is always alert and that is why I think to much and also that if I were in the pre-historic times I would have been great at surviving, since I anticipate every possible dangers but since I'm in a world where the dangers are not so evident I'm more or less thinking to much for my time! Well that is one way of explaining my problem, I guess!

Well, this has been a great release for me... After the day I've had with both kids on hyper drive and me on the neutral, I needed to get some of the steam out and this was so way of doing it. I will now clean the dishes from yesterday and today and then take a warm bath with a good book! I will leave the kids to my husband for a little while, I think he can handle the bedtime routine for tonight, don't you?!

The daycare situation

2009-01-15T07:30:00.000-08:00

I don't know how daycare is in the States but where I am we have two types of daycare offered to us, the private kind and the subsidised kind. We all want the second since it's cheaper for us and so our pay doesn't all go to pay our kids daycare. But the places available are few and so we put our child's name on a waiting list almost before they're born. And then starts the waiting and worrying again!

You see since I've moved I lost my son's place in a subsidised daycare and so I had to find a new one and only found one in a family spot. That means that this wonderful women has her daycare in her home, she can take only 6 children (which is good cause really how can take care of more) but she is registered as a subsidised home daycare. I've put my daughter's name on 3 establishment type daycare (like small pre-schools) but I still haven't got a return and I have to go back to work in March!

That said, I'll probably find a private daycare and send Z there until I get the call for a subsidised daycare.

This post however is not about all this waiting but more about the care our children get in these daycare. My son has started crying in the mornings, not wanting to go to his daycare. He's been going since last October before that he was in a pre-school type daycare in my home town and loved it. I've been trying to make him tell me why he doesn't want to go to his new daycare and since he's only 4 and can't find the words, he only says I want to stay home. Now, do I take that as a phase or do I investigate further? Since I'm the nervous type, I have to see it further. So I've started dropping in at all hours to pick him up and I've seen nothing that would suggest that this women is unkind or hard on the children. She even is very organized and has activities for most of the day planned in advance, just like is pre-school used to have. The only difference that I can see are the children he's with, they used to be all the same age and now he has to play with younger kids cause he's the oldest in the bunch. Could that be all? Will I ever know why he wants to stay home and cries every mornings? I don't think so cause a 4 year old simply doesn't have the language skills to explain his feelings like us and plus lets not forget, he is a boy!

Is my kid normal?!

2009-01-14T17:54:00.000-08:00

Here's an other thing we all worry about, is our kid normal?! Is he like the other kids his age? Is she as fast a learner then my friends kids?...

I've been told many a time that you shouldn't compare your kids to one an other or to any other kids. But really, how doesn't compare? Like my son A was a fast crawler, at 41/2 months he was crawling all over the house and at 5 months he was on his feet holding on to anything! But my daughter Z, well she crawled at over 6 months and she just now started getting up and holding on to the coffee table. But beyond that we worry that they are speaking too late or that they don't have the same skills in art, language, music, sports as the other kids their age. We worry that we are not doing all we can to help make them genius!

I ask you this, do you over schedule your kids? Are you the type of mother (or father) to make your kids do music, art, sports and other activities so that they will become the next star in any field? Well, I worry! Yes, but I won't make my kids do anything they don't want to. So, I try to expose them to all sorts of things for now they are to little for all those activities, except A can do soccer and some other sports. I haven't put him in any team yet, we are waiting for him to start school and see if he would like to do sports with his friends.

Next week, I have to register A in school for kindergarden! That is where all this worry is coming from. I remember my school days and I remember well not fitting in and I don't want that for A or any other kid. I was lucky in a way cause I was pretty good, I didn't have to try too hard to get good grades but my brother and sisters were a different story, so I know what it takes out of a parent to help a child that has trouble in school and I worry that that will be the case with one of my children. But once again, worrying won't help anything and how knows I might have the brightest students right here!

Losing the baby weight while breastfeeding is hard!!!

2009-01-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

I've been going crazy with thinking about my weight. I'm that kind of women that takes on 50 or more pounds during pregnancy and I don't lose it easily, unlike the popular notion that you lose the baby weight faster if you breastfeed. Well that is certainly not true, I'd say that it takes more time if you breastfeed, cause you are hungry all the time and so it's simply harder to lose the extra weight. But that didn't stop me breastfeeding my A for over 12 months and on my 9Th month with Z. I believe that their health and connection to me is more important then my waist!

I do intend to start to ween my Z soon, cause well she now has teeth and she has a tendency to bite and it hurts a lot. So I will try to keep up the breastfeeding up to 12 months but then it's over. Then I can concentrate on working out and losing the baby fat! Lets face it, I toke on more then 50 pounds this time and I wasn't skinny when I started, so after 9 months now I still have 30 pounds to lose to get to my goal weight. But I am not the kind of person that can follow a "diet" so my way will be to start a little workout routine and cut down my portions, which I've been successful with in the passed. I encourage people to try that way instead of dieting, you know the crazy things people do to lose weight.

With all my worries, I don't want to add being hungry on top! I just don't think my husband could live with me angry too! Cause we all know what hungry means! We get angry and impatient...

So, I didn't a new years resolution but I will make a March resolution, I will take my weight a little more seriously, and will you? Or your that lucky type that only take on 15 pounds while pregnant?! Anyway lets not try to worry to much about this cause you know there is so much other stuff I worry about!

Not my mother!

2009-01-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

We all say at this time or an other... "I don't want to become my mother!" But really if you had a decent mother you probably will be her once you have kids.

In my case I didn't say I never want to change into my mother, I only thought "If I ever have kids I hope I can be as good as her", well now that I have two little ones, I can safely say I'm not my mother and will probably never be as good as her. I'll try, but I don't have the same "style", she was the planning type. You know, you can set your clocks by her schedule! Me! Well I hate schedule and it's so hard for me to stick to one for my kids. I know it's the best thing for them, that it is reassuring to them to know what's coming and when! But setting a routine for me or anyone else is just so hard.

I know I've said already that I'm a nervous wreck and that I think to much about everything, but at the same time I am the worst procrastinator so sticking to a routine for anything is just impossible. So my kids have to be up for anything at any time. Like bedtime in our house is around 8PM, but if your nice and had a good day well I can forget and only put you to bed at 9PM.

I see this as teaching the kids to go with the flow and that good thing can come for the unexpected. OK! I admit that's to justify myself and what a way to do it, right?

An other way that my mother and I are so different. I'm the kind of mother that never let my kids cry more then a second, so my daughter won't sleep by herself at 9 months old and my son still comes to bed with us at least once a week. If that makes me weak then I am! ON the other hand my mother was the kind to let us cry until we fell a sleep. And she keeps reminding me that it won't her my daughter if I just leave her on the floor to cry it out, as she says. But I won't!

One thing I think I do better then my mother is cooking for my kids. My mom is a great cook, but got very frustrated when one of us didn't want to eat what she made, so she started buying pre-cook stuff, you know the chicken nuggets and other stuff. Well I don't! HA! I cook every meal from scratch and I'm very proud of that. Mind you my husband does cook once in a while and he is damn good at it. My son loves almost every thing I do and he loves to help mommy bake cookies, cause that's one other thing I won't buy prepackaged unless it's some kind I can't do myself. So every month I cook up a batch of oatmeal and chocolate cookie dough and keep extra in the freezer to bake up when we want some. (just like having some Pillsbury dough in the freezer, just home made)

For the cleaning I give it to her, I should have a better routine so I could get to cleaning every thing in a timely manner. But I don't and I ratter be on the computer than cleaning the bathrooms or doing the laundry. Don't get me wrong, my house is not a dirty in the least it's just a little messy sometimes. I get to all the cleaning just not as fast as my mother and so you can come and see that the toys are in the living room and that the clean cloths are on my bed not yet folded. I know I've mentioned my agoraphobia and that I don't get out much, but you do realize how the computer as become an obsession for a lot of people and I do spend to much time on it these days. But it gives you this to read, so it's not so bad, right?!

Lastly, I read to my kids every night. Something my mother couldn't do, because we were four and all of different ages, the oldest having 15 years older then the youngest! So I guess that I have the best time to spend with my kids, not that my mother didn't want to just she couldn't and that is something I'm sure she regrets.

Well that's it for now and if you had a mother like mine, don't be afraid to become her, just embrace your inner mother!

Thinking!

2009-01-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about what to write next and then it hit me! Thinking! You know we are all guilty of over thinking. As mothers we think of what we need to do in a day to make the household run, thinking about what we will not be able to do today, thinking when could we do those things.... THINKING!

Well, as a anxious person I do my share of over thinking. It can become a real problem, like preventing me from enjoying a trip to the nearest park with my kids. Thinking can become fears about all kinds of stuff. The flu season, the weather (like the snow storm here right now), anything becomes a reason to worry.

I've started this blog so I can write down my stupid fears or "bad thoughts" cause when you say them out loud they become less important and you see that you are worrying for nothing. I used to write down in a journal my bad days, now I share them with you here.

Today well, it's not the best day for me. The stress of my going back to work is looming over me. I haven't found a daycare for my daughter and the one my son goes to is full, she can't take anymore. So now, what do I do? I'm expected to go back to work at the end of March and really we need the money, I'll have to find a private daycare soon, and my daughter won't stay with anyone but me, she's even scared of my father. Granted we only see him once every 2 to 3 months, but over the holidays We stayed for 10 days and by the end she still wouldn't let him pick her up, she'd cry if I left the room and left her with my mom. She won't sleep more then 2 hours in a row at night, so I'll be exhausted when I go to work in the mornings!

Those are some of by worries today. What are yours?

Till next time, I'll try to think less.

2009-01-05T11:03:00.001-08:00

Twitter Moms: The Influential Moms Network

Agoraphobia

2009-01-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

If you don't know what agoraphobia is, well it's fear of crowds or public places. Mine is not so bad that I don't leave the house, but going in public places alone is hard. It's a struggle to get me to do the grocery shopping, it was actually harder when I didn't have the kids, cause I could leave it to the last minute, when there was really nothing left in the cupboards. But now, well I can't have nothing to eat in the house, I would be a horrible mother, now wouldn't I? So I found that doing the groceries with the kids help me. I talk to them the hole time I'm there. Like with my daughter Z, I tell her everything I'm doing, you know... "mommy's getting bananas cause their your brother's favorite" and "don't you want some chicken for tonight?" People passing by must think, "now she's crazy" or some have said to me "that's cute, talking to her like that, she must feel special!"

I say, if it makes you go out the house and do your shopping or other, bring the kids. Mine love it and they get to see what I need to do to make the house run! What they don't know is that I do it for myself more then them but they get to spend more time with mommy.

I remember a time when I would stay home for a week without getting out the house. Now, I go out at least once a day! I don't do the big groceries, since I'm at home on maternity leave still, I get my groceries everyday for that day! It a way to force me out the house! Cause the longer you stay home the harder it gets to get out!!! That is the workings of this fear and I know it now!

My best friend has some form of it and we were talking the other day. We found that with this problem, you have days where you have all the courage or strength you need to do what ever you what and more. But other days, well you can't get out of bed and face the world! So we found that it's like a bank the more good days you have in a row the better you will be at facing those bad days. So keep on banking the good days I say! And you shouldn't have to many of the bad ones.

Finally, I see that having my kids has forced me to find the strength I need to get over my fears or at least face them with their help.

Till next time keep going strong!

Sleepless nights

2009-01-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

I've been without sleep for at least a year now. We all know that the last month or so of pregnancy we can't sleep, no position is comfortable and we worry about the birth process. Now, after birth well it's the baby that keeps you up, night feedings and all.

With my son I was lucky, he slept through the night at less then a month old. That means that he slept 6 hours in a row at night. For babies that is exceptional and the doctors say that around 6 months old they start waking up in the middle of the night again, just to check your still there, that is part of the game. But my son never did that so like I said I was lucky!

Now, my daughter is an other story. She never slept through the night and she is now 9 months old. If I get 2 hours in a row that is good! She has a bad case of separation anxiety so she won't be away from me more then 2 minutes. For example, if I leave a room she cries but will follow, has my son would just follow. Since I haven't got family here i can't have babysat so she can have time without me and get used to it, so once again I'm stuck.

So for our nights, do I let her cry or do I get up every hour? The answer is get up, since my husband needs to sleep and so does my son. I don't recommend this to any new mother, I recommend that you get your better half involved as soon as possible in the night feeding, if you are breastfeeding then pump and let your man do the feeding, that way the kid will be ready for a full night without you so no separation anxiety! At least that is a theory!

Well hope you do better then me with the sleeping habits of your children, I can confirm that not one child is the same and you cannot put to use all you've learned with the first to your second child, cause it doesn't always work.

Not to worry I'll convince my husband that one week of sleepless nights is better then a year, so I can have the baby cry for a few days before she gets used to the idea that she has to sleep in her bed without me and that she doesn't need those nights feedings cause she is not that hungry!

Will let you know how it turns out in the end till then take care!

JeS

Back home after the holidays!

2008-12-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

So we're back home! I was glad to go to my parents, I really needed to get out but after 10 days I needed to come home and be in my things. You know the feeling! I think we've all had it, you feel good at your parents, you sleep in your old bedroom and you think now I'm OK, but after a while you see that it isn't really your place any more, that you have a home of your own and that you miss it. Well I had that feeling this week and I am happy to be home finally. My son A is only going back to daycare next Monday, so I have a few days with both kids at home taking down the decorations and cleaning what my husband left undone while I was gone! You know the cloths on the floor of the bedroom, the dishes on the counter...

I don't know if any of you feel the same but the end of the year is a time when we reflect on the last months and maybe think of where we would like to be next year same time. I've been talking to some friends and they seem to be all in the same situation, bad marriages or unfulfilling relationships. They all thinking to move on, as I have been having some problems at home with the husband and the new situation, but leaving or "taking a break" never crossed my mind! I wouldn't leave my husband for anything, well almost anything.

I've been crying for help lately, I need a break from the house, kids and life here in this new town, and my husband hasn't been listening or won't acknowledge that I need help around the house and mostly with the kids. He seems to think that I can do it all on my own, since his work is so demanding and stressful. Well, that is one thing I will do this year, speak my mind better and try to get my point across more clearly. That is something to remember for you out there, if you feel you need help, if you feel like you don't have the patience or the energy to do it all, it's because you shouldn't! WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO IT ALL ALONE!!! Speak out and ask for help, if he does the dishes one night, well that is help. If he takes over for 40 minutes while you take a hot bath, well that is better then nothing and it is time for yourself.

We hear, take time for yourself, one hour a day or more. But how can do that! I'm lucky if I can get 30 minutes to take a bath or shower, so tell the husband or partner you need that time, 30 40 minutes it's enough to relax and take care of yourself.

So till next year 2009! Take care and take the time!
JeS

Going to my parents for X-mas

2008-12-19T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm actually happy to go to my parent's for Christmas, since my lovely husband will at work I'll have some help for the holidays. So I'm off to my mom's and will be back after the new year!

Merry Christmas and heppy new year to all!!!

JeS

The beginnings

2008-12-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

Last night I was thinking, since I couldn't sleep (baby girl as teeth coming in) that I should write about my beginnings. Maybe not the hole story but at least some of the important moments.

First, I'm one of 4 children. My parents both were previously married, dad had 2 girls from his first marriage and mom had me. They then had my brother. Mom was a working mother until my brother came and then she stayed home, I was 5 at the time. You can say I had a happy childhood, except I was always the kid that thought to much and was sad most of the time for no real reason. My anxiety started pretty early, I remember being 14 and worrying to much about what the other kids were thinking about me. (I know now that is called social phobia, to be scared of what people thinking about you or being afraid of seeming stupid in front of people)

I went to college for 2 years, didn't graduate but I went to trade school in fashion and did get my diploma for that. I however never worked in fashion, I started work in some boutiques and was more interested in partying. I meet my husband at 21 and we were married the following year.

I stopped partying all together and found a job in customer service for the phone company. We were concentrating in making our marriage work. I had to learn to live with someone other then my parents and balance a budget and it wasn't always easy. You know how it can be!

We only started talking about kids 3 years in. I never really wanted kids, I thought I wouldn't be a good mother with my problems and all. But my husband gave me confidence I had not had before meeting him. So after 2 miscarriages, we got our son.

That pregnancy wasn't easy or simple. I had high blood pressure and gained 60 lbs. I had to be induced at 39 weeks for my blood pressure was to high. The labour was not so bad, I toke the "needle", but when came the time to push! Well it went down hill, I had 2 seizures while pushing cause my blood pressure and a fever. My son was what we call "sunny side up" so when I pushed his head would get crushed by my pelvic bone, they finally, after 1h30 cut me and toke him out with their hands. He had the most extreme cone head my doctor had seen. The pediatric nurse and doctor was there to take over and they toke some x-rays of his head, he had nothing but a big bruise on his forehead! I was so happy!

When we came home 4 days later was when my problems surfaced, my anxiety was so bad, I didn't want to get out of bed. Mind you I had to for my son and my husband found me a mommy group to go to. Once a week for the next 8 months I had a place to go and people to talk to about my fears and they didn't judge. It was the best thing my husband has ever done for me.

Now with my daughter, I don't have the group to talk to, but I find that writing this blog is helping with the constant fears coming to the surface.

So I hope that this can show you that I don't claim to know everything or to have the answers but that I am a mother with some solutions for her problems and maybe that these can help you find some for yours.

Till next time,
JeS

A Sunday at home with snow outside

2008-12-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

So it's Sunday and it snowed again last night. I'm not going outside to shovel again, so we're staying in for the day. Some TV, some playdo' and lost of games on the computer. My son (4 years old) is easy to entertain, if we can find Ben 10 on TV or any Spiderman for little while and then any of his toys will do, he is pretty self sufficient in the play department. But a 8 month old has to have her mother there 24 /7 and there is no question of playing alone for more then 2 minutes at a time. Mind you, it's normal and my daughter is not more demanding then any other baby, but with all that has been going on in my life, I just don't seem to find the energy to really play with her or really enjoy this time I have with them both. But a "quiet" day at home is good for the 4 of us to just connect and enjoy a slow day.

Now, I have this thing that I have to cook every meal, cause there is no way my husband will accept anything else, like frozen stuff is out of the question. But I like to cook, normally! Right now thought, I seem to find myself out of ideas. I've been looking on websites and in my cook book to find quick and easy stuff that my family will like. But my husband is from a different cultural back round then me and I have learned to cook his favorite meals and I think I do them pretty well by now, and he expects that type of meal everyday. Since I've been home with my daughter, I am the only one to cook! So it gets boring pretty fast when you cook 2 to 3 times a day! With that in mind I recommend to you to try some websites that offer a weekly meal plan, some of them are really good! My favorite is a Canadian one and offers really diverse meals from all cultures. http://www.soscuisine.com/?sos_l=en
It can really help you get a hold on what your eating and also only buy what you need for the week, so no over spending on groceries.

I have plenty of tricks like that, after almost 9 years marriage and 2 kids, you have to find some shortcuts to have some time to yourself! We can't feel bad about shortcuts, when you take the right ones you can only feel better.

Till next time, JeS

So it's winter!

2008-12-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been online a lot the last few days, cause we have had 3 feet of snow here! Can you believe it? It's only the start of December and already that much snow! So I've been outside shovelling snow 2 times a day to keep the driveway clean, so I can get out and my husband can come home and park his car in our driveway, since we can't leave our car in the street at this time of the year. Don't get me wrong, I like snow just in small installments, like an inch at a day. So I just have to clean the drive only once a day, thank you!

I've been doing a little better, still lonely here in this new city, but better cause of the exercise I've been getting with all this snow! My son loves it, he can play outside in the snow before diner while I clean the drive for my husband, and my daughter just sits in her stroller looking at us. But that is good, the cold air is good for her, she breaths better at night, since it's flu season I like to be safe and also, my kids and I have asthma so the fresh air is just good for all of us. That's one tip, if you think that's it's to cold out for your baby, it's not really unless it's like -30C, remember that the fresh air can only be good for their lungs and you don't get a cold from the cold but from people! Just dress your baby with good winter clothes and take a walk go outside at least 20 minutes every day, that's how I keep my baby healthy, with good nutrition too.

So till next time!
JeS

Husband earing!

2008-12-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

I had an agreement with my husband, he would get up with the kids Sunday to let me sleep in. But that didn't happen! I don't know if that happens to you, but it seems that when you seem to hear every little sound coming from your child's room your husband or man can't hear a thing. Or that when you bring the kids in bed in the early morning to try and get a little more sleep and they step on you and kick you that your husband can sleep soundlessly through all that. Well that's my problem I can't stand to have the kids in bed with us in the morning cause I know I'll be the one to give up and get up with the kids and leave my husband to leasure all he wants.

But really it's not that he can't hear them, surely! It's just that he can just do nothing about it as I can't!

Well that's my thoughts on the subject of husband ears!

We saw Santa!

2008-12-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

We saw Santa! My daughter, 8 months old didn't cry but she didn't smile either! My son was happy to talk to Santa and tell what he wants for Chirstmas, Ben 10 toys. I got him all the figurines I could find, which were not much since they seem to be the hardest toy to find. He was also happy to tell Santa is sister's name and what she should get for Christmas, Ben 10 toys so she can share with him!!!

I got 3 pictures, my mother will get one so will my mother in-law. The kids look good on it and I'm pretty happy with it, I'll probably will put online in a day or two.

That said we spent a good afternoon as a family, husband and all, which is rare put I'm always thankful for that time.

So till next time, JeS

Today we meet Santa!

2008-12-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

So this afternoon I taking my 2 kids to see Santa and take pistures, of course! It will be my daughter's first time and knowing her, she will cry but I hope not to much so we can take a nice picture. My son is pretty shy so I hope he will like the experience this year. He hasn't in the past. He has cried, stayed so serious that we couldn't get a nice picture, he has asked us to sit with him to take the picture, so the first year was with my mother the second with my father and last year it was me, maybe this year it can be my husband or just the 2 kids?! Who knows!

Well I'll write about the experience later!

Venting!

2008-12-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

It's friday night and I'm alone with the kids at home. My husband has a diner party (no kids naturaly) at is boss's house. I wish I could have gone but since we are new to this town (only 3 months) I haven't got a babysitter I can trust with my 4 years and 8 months old. So I stay home again!

On top of that, he won't be able to be with us on Christmas at my parents, since his working that day. Oh! He'll try to come after his shift is over but it's a 3 hours drive... So we all know what that means! Our daughter's first X-mas and he won't be there to see her open her gifts, that I chose on my own cause that is my job, no? Find the gifts, buy the gifts, wrap the gifts, not to mention do everything else that is to do with the kids! Well he does put our son to bed almost every night. But I had to beg him to start reading a book with him, cause that's what I did and we should continue with that good habit. I can't believe that a man that has so much education can't find it important to read to his son. Well he as no chose now that our son is used to having a book read every night, he won't go to bed without that! Ha, I win this one!

You see, I'm not the most organized person. I usually hate routines. But I know that a routine is good, even the best thing for children. It is security for them so I try my hardest to keep some routines, like the bedtime and meals. But my husband is like me, we go by the feel of things, so if we're not hungry at 6PM we eat later. But once again, that is not good for kids, they need to eat at the same time every meal or at least around the same time. That's one thing I have to work hard at keeping in line.

Well I think I vented enough for today, but I'll be back. Because my husband will surely do something tomorrow that will iritate the hell out of me, or at least this weekend!

Till next time, JeS

Just an other day

2008-12-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

Just an other day like the others. Dishes are pilling up, need to vacuum the house, laundry needs do be done and I can't forget to wash myself the daughter and the bathroom after, cause it's just an other day!

I haven't been feeling up to anything lately so I keep putting of my work around the house. Since I can't sleep during the night (daughter of 8 months wakes up every 2 hours still) then I try to catch up with sleep during her naps in the daytime. But that doesn't always workout. Thats what everyone keeps telling me, to sleep when she does! But don't they see that I have a 4 year old that needs to have souper and the house won't clean it's self or anything else around here?! Really when can we sleep? When your a mother sleep is when the kids grow up and leave the house, but then you can't sleep because you worry if they're doing good!!! (that's what my mother says anyway)

So now I'm taking a break for the house work and my daughter is playing on the floor at my feet while I'm writing this.

She is so attached to me that if my husband tries to take her in an other room she starts crying and mumbles mamamamaaaaa! It's normal, I say since she was with me and my son alone for the first 5 months of her life and my husband works alot, so he is not that involve in her care. Plus it's that time, you know when the baby is afraid of anyone and everyone, she is shy and won't go to anyone because she is only 8 months old. With my son that lasted only about 3 months from 6 months to 9 months. But doctors say that for some kids it can last up to around when they're 18 months. It is seperation anxiety. Since I'm an anxious person I hope to God that anxiety doesn't transfert to my kids.

Now, I won't talk about my anxiety just yet, cause believe I have the most crazy ideas sometimes about going out of the house or anything really. I have seen people about those problems, so don't worry I'm not crazy per say but just a little bit neuratic sometimes.

Anyway, got do go do my stuff cause, well can't put it off any longer!

Till next time, JeS

A day to stay home!

2008-12-04T15:23:00.000-08:00

Do you realize that I haven't spoken to an adult in person, except my husband in 2 months!!! I love my children and love the time I have with them. My son is in a daycare so he can socialize before school and also I have to go to work in a couple of months, so I took the first daycare that was available when I came to this town. Except now I'm alone at hom with my 8 month old daughter and since I'm the type of person that is prone to depression, well lets just say I don't feel up to anything right now.

I remember this feeling when my son was born, 4 years ago. I remember my husband calling the CLSC (a sort of clinic in Quebec that offers family services, like doctor, nurses and others) in the town we were living in at the time to get me in a mommy group. It was the best thing for me! I got to go speak to other new mothers every week and my son got to see baby his age. We got to meet doctor, dentist and other specialists that would come to speak to our group and we would get to ask all sorts of questions. We also got to cook and have a Christmas party, I made good friends. But I lost contact with them once I went back to work.

Now in this new town I can't find this type of group. I've check with the CLSC and they don't organize these groups here! What are new mothers to do to get out of the house?

My mother suggested I take a day off! Leave the kids with my husband, but I'm still breastfeeding my daughter so I can't leave for a full day. I could get away for a couple of hours now that she can eat solides, but where would I go? I don't know anyone here and I'm broke, so shopping is out of the question or anything that involves money, like a spa. (but that would be great!!!)

I'm really in a funk! I wish my friends were closer! But thats not the case so here I am letting everything out on this blog. If you feel the same way, then I hope knowing that you're not alone will help you!

To next time JeS

X-Mas is coming!

2008-12-03T08:58:00.000-08:00

I've finished my X-mas shopping, but as usual I haven't got anything for my parents or any real gift for my husband. Since we've moved, we've been tight on money. Being on mat. leave for the last 9 months and my husband having a salary only since august, it means an other year of basic gifts for the family. I hope that next year will be better but if we listen to the news, it's going to be worst for everyone!

That said, I can't complain really since I could buy gifts for most of my family members and thats more then alot of people this year. It will be a good holiday season, I can feel it!

But for now... let just say I'm freaking out as usual. I haven't the energy to do anything in the house, cause I haven't slept a full 6 hours in more then a year. What with being huge for the last 3 months of my pregnancy and having a baby girl that just won't sleep more then 2 hours at a time! So I haven't been really up to doing anything. I on auto-pilot that's for sure and I know so many moms out there know exactly the feeling.

But we put up the tree last night anyway, my 4 year old son was so happy! He thinks that Santa will be over today! I have to keep reminding him that X-mas is a few more days then that. It's so cute seeing him be so excited about opening gifts, now that he knows these things it more fun for all of us, cause X-mas is for the children. Like everyone says at this time of the year. But really we like getting stuff and eating until we're stuffed!

Well on this note I'll go prepare my daughters lunch. (salmon and mashed potatoes)

JeS

No worries!?

2008-12-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

This is my first experience blogging, so lets start at the beginning! I'm a mom of two, my son is 4 years old and my daughter is now 8 months. I'm currently on mat leave and will have to go back to work in March 09. Let me tell you a little about this past year... Lets just say that I've had alot change and little time to adjust.

My husband started 3 years ago a project to change carrieres, when I saw that it would take some time before he got the "call" to start his new job, well I convinced him that we should have a second child. Since it's hard for me to get pregnant, we started last year and I got pregnant right away, but lost the child at 4 months pregnancy. I got pregnant just 1 month after the miscarriage, cause I didn't want to wait and the doctor said it was fine. Keep in mind that i'm now 31 and have had 5 pregnancies only 2 children out of that, so lets said I was happy to have the child like I was for the first.

Just 2 months before I'm to give birth, my husband gets the "call" so he has to leave the second of March 08 when I was due April 9th 08. SO I was alone to give birth to our daughter! But I was happy for him, that he would be finally able to do what he loves. He would become a cop. But that ment that he would be gone for 6 months, the first 5 months of life of his daughter and when he would come back, we would have to move to a new city.

We did move to a new city, 3 hours away from my family. I've never been that far from them. I could always jup in the car and be at my mom's in less then 30 minutes!

Well, now here I am in Ottawa on mat. leave, with 2 children and a husband that works hard and so is not at home alot!